Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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