Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
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Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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