im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
