I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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