You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
