I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Actions speak louder than pants.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
