i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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