you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
