Cold hands, warm shart.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
