proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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