if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
