oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
