Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Operation Purity has been aborted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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