Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
