shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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