dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
