drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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