Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
