We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize