where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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