life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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