Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
