My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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