I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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