The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
