we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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