tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
