Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
