apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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