I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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