I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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