After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
