How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
