Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Acid is not a monday night drug
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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