I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
