I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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