you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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