Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
