Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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