I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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