Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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