just come out here and I will go home with you...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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