I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
