Need sex. Gaining weight.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
