just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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