Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you didnt know i had herpes?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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