At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
