I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
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By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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