Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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