Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
