Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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