I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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